Friday, March 20, 2009
3 months in.
Some days I'm so in the groove. I get the kids to school, the route is now tattooed into my brain. I do the chores I have to do, or don't. I waste huge lots of time on the computer. I make dinner. I get groceries at the local Safeway. I check the mail. It's all becoming some what routine, slightly familiar. But as I drive around town, as I check the mail, as I grocery shop... I feel as if I'm going slightly insane, desperate to make some connection to someone, anyone. I see the faces of familiarity in the passing cars... hey look it's Sue Tooley (not a native to this town, but rather someone that I passed frequently in Big Twig). Or hey it's Mr. Aveys truck. I see these people, people from home, like ghosts from beyond... it's almost creepy, except none of the ghosts I see are actually dead. I was suppose to go to the Relief Society Party last night, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, because even though I really and truly want to make friends, I was so afraid of walking in and finally coming to the realization that I'm not there anymore, I'm here. Don't get me wrong the people here seem very pleasant.... I haven't gotten out there yet, my feet are not getting wet... they are dry as the sands of Death Valley. I'm not ready to let go of the last 10 years... I'm not ready to move on.
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5 comments:
I feel a lot the way you do. But I still live in the same town. I just do not talk to anyone and i know no one in my ward. I go to RS things and sit alone because although I have lived in Coolidge my entire life it is not the same coolidge i know. I hope things get easier for you.
We never really "fit in" Big Timber, and yet I can't believe how much I miss it at times. I do the same thing as you when I'm out and about. I'll see a car and think of someone in Big Timber.
Soon, we can let go...just not yet I guess.
I took my girls to the park the other day. It nearly brought me to tears. I missed Michelle so much and how we used to hang out in the park and talk while our kids played. People here are nice. They have welcomed us into their lives, but no, it isn't the same. I think one of the problems for you and Mama Echo and I is that our houses are there. There's that open doorway-- maybe there's still a way for us to go back. Mostly it's subconscious, but I feel it sometimes.
I think Michelle may be onto something. Can any of us truly let go with the dead weight of a home that won't sell in Big Timber? Maybe we should keep them and then have summer cabins. No?
You'll get there...I can't empathize...haven't moved in so long. But I know you'll get there because you are made. of. awesome.
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