Sunday, May 25, 2014

Pamela Annie

A few years back, well ten to be more precise, we made a choice that changed our lives.  After giving birth to 4 wonderful healthy awesome children we decided to do what we thought was best for us, and take permanent measures to end our baby making days.  It wasn't with prayer, it wasn't with much reflection.  It was with pressure from a doctor, and examples set by friends.  And even though as we approached the big V day, I had my doubts, I never once expressed anything but approval towards this decision.  The day Kenneth went under the knife, I sat for awhile in the car with Kasey who was an infant at the time and cried.  I decided it was postpartum hormones and that I would someday come to accept that 4 was my limit.  Years passed, and although I found it hard to acknowledge others with newborns, I did accept it.  We had years that were difficult mentally and financially, and I was grateful we didn't have one more mouth to feed.  One more child to share our time with, might of been hard as our oldest hit his trying teenage years.  But every once in awhile the feelings crept in that someone was missing.  When we were driving down the road and all loaded in on a trip I couldn't help but feel there was room for one more.  The more time that went by the more I felt this prompting that I left someone behind.  It started to weigh on me.  I even brought up adopting a few times.  But nothing felt absolute.  Unfortunately this also caused a little resentment toward Kenneth, because although I never expressed any of my feelings to him I blamed him. 
Finally after 7 years of holding in these feelings I let him in on the promptings I'd been feeling.  He to my surprise said that if it was what I wanted he would get a reversal.  But something didn't quite sit right with me.  I felt that if it wasn't something he truly wanted he would end up resenting me.  So I simply said it was ok, and it would all be alright, and we would appreciate the kids that are already a part of our lives.  I prayed that if we were truly meant to have another child in our lives that Kenneth would have a change of heart, that he would feel those prompting as well.
Another year passed, time marched by, and I had started to move on.  Although I never truly forgot, I focused on other things.  One day after a church, Kenneth asked to talk to me privately.  He simply said "I want another baby."  Topic back up for discussion.  This time it got real, we talked about money, the huge cost of a reversal.  We talked about age, we aren't spring chickens.  We talked about our other kids, our retirement dreams, our extended family.  Through all the negatives we could think of to adding to our family, we kept feeling those promptings to try.  We prayed and we pondered, and I never felt it was the wrong choice.  So excitedly we moved forward.  We made an appointment, we spent a huge chunk of money and we trusted in the Lord that we were making the right decision. 
I only shared our choice with one other person, and with tears in her eyes my Mom said she would love another grand baby. 
I had a Dr appointment and was all cleared for being healthy and fertile.  Kenneth went in for surgery and we were told everything looked good. 
Then the trying began.  Not to go into to much detail, trying was a new thing for us.  Normally we would decide we wanted a baby, or not decide at all, and that very next month WHAM positive pregnancy test.  So I had big thoughts, that in 4 months I would be telling my Mom and the world that -surprise- we were having another baby.  2 months passed, nothing, 4 months passed nothing.  Kenneth went in for some follow up testing, and numbers didn't look so great.  6 months and I started to feel discouraged.  More testing, worse results.  I cried.  Doctor said it probably didn't work, and we would have to think of other options.  Our financial resources were drained.  We had 4 other kids to worry about.  I prayed again.  This time I prayed that my Heavenly Father would just take away the feelings and promptings I'd had to have another child. 
9 months passed, and life changed dramatically as I spent my moms final days with her.  I forgot about everything else but loosing my Mom.  I forgot about everything, until one day in a lucid moment as I walked in from lunch She looked at me and said "Where's your baby?"  I played off like I had no clue what she meant.  But in my heart I hoped and wished that she knew something I didn't.  Mom passed away a couple days later, and I held on to the idea that she would be there on the other side and plead my case to our Heavenly Father. 
More months passed, and every month got harder, I missed my mom.  I ached that I felt my prayers hadn't been answered and I had been abandoned.  I once again begged with my Heavenly Father to help me to not have the feelings I was having. 
One week in January was an incredibly hard week.  I felt so emotionally done.  I mourned more than I had ever allowed myself to mourn, and in the depth of my sadness I felt it.  A prompting to do something that seemed so out of place on a day like that.  I was prompted to go and buy a pregnancy test.  I did.  It wasn't the first time over the last year that I had been late, I really didn't give it much thought.  I took the test not at all expecting anything, actually thinking to myself -Why did I even bother?  But there, right before my eyes 2 pink lines appeared.  In disbelief I took another test.  Same thing.... 2 pink lines.  At first I laughed hysterically, then I fell to the floor and cried hysterically.  Then I texted Kenneth.  The next week I took 2 more tests.  Just to make sure I hadn't imagined it all.  In all my grief, in all my sorrow, I was granted a miracle.  I was given a band aid.  I also felt closer to my mom than I had since she left this earthly life.  I truly could feel her love wrapped all around me. 
I expressed to Kenneth that I believed that my Mom had hand picked this little one to come to our family, and of course knowing my Mom it would be a girl.  We still had to wait until the ultrasound to know for sure.  Kenneth even shared a special dream with Mom in it, and she was holding our daughter. 
Ever since that day in January I feel closer to my Heavenly Father whom I know had not abandoned me.  He was just waiting for the right time, the moment I needed this blessing most.  On occasion I do feel sad, I still miss my mom, I will miss her being around to rock and love and spoil this little one.  But I know she's with us, I know that she got to spend time and love on this sweet spirit already.  I know she is watching over us, and helping us out along the way. 
We firmly decided on naming her after Mom, before we ever knew she was a she for sure. 
So when people ask me if my pregnancy was planned, I do get offended.  She was planned, prayed for, fought for, loved before she was ever conceived.  She was hand picked by my Mom who loved me and she is such a blessing to us, our little Pamela Annie!

4 comments:

Alex's Human said...

Pamela Annie is going to be a very lucky kid!

leaner said...

Awwww. Thanks for sharing your story. Hugs and I can't wait to see her!

SkinnyLumberjack said...

This was amazing. Thank you for sharing. I am so excited to have Annie and Grace grow up together.

Amie said...

awww this is so awesome!! I'm so glad you shared!! :)