It's weird. I knew last week would be hard. I knew the moment my sister called me 2 weeks ago that we were in for some hard times. And as I expected it was hard. So many tears were shed over the 2 weeks that I'm not even sure how my body keeps producing more.
But then came this week.
I felt productive last week. I had to be strong to look through hundreds of pictures of the past (the good times). I had to be strong to pick clothes out of a closet that smelled just like mom. I had to be strong while Dad recounted the places he bought each piece of jewelry that she would be buried with. I had to be strong as sad faces told me their sorrys. Something strengthened me and carried me through the week.
But today when I got up to carry on with "normal". It just doesn't feel right. I ache to be in a world, that I can't call my mom, and tell her how my day was. She was always the one I called if things were crappy, she always made me feel better. But since she has been sick this summer, and now that she's left this earthly home, I lost that. I dread people saying sorry, because it's a reminder that I will never get to laugh with her again. I feel guilty for every thing I ever did to make her sad. My heart hurts for every birthday that she won't call and sing to me. It hurts to think of the holidays that she won't be around for. She won't be at my kids accomplishments, or be here to tell me how to decorate, or sew, or cook something the right way. Right now I don't know how to be strong anymore.