There is a fine line between the sane and insane. I've decided it doesn't take much to slip to the other side now and then. The nice thing about working with small children for 5 months was they never seem to notice your moments of insanity... they just think your fun and silly.... the other nice thing about working with small children is usually the other large people that work with small children, have odd quirks of there own. But now that I am home once again, mostly alone with my own madness... the little moments aren't brushed off as silliness, and suddenly I feel, a bit crazy. Maybe it's just stir crazy, the kind of crazy you get when you could be doing a ton of chores but none seem to fit your mood, and you'd rather be outside but the weather isn't warm enough to really enjoy it. Stir crazy could also be that kind of crazy that you would love to just hop in a car and drive far far away from your troubles or cares, and relax, truly put your guard down and relax for a couple of days. Crazy could mean foolish... Foolish for thinking its ever going to be back to normal, because that normal that you once thought existed is but a faint memory. Or maybe just Crazy about something... like I'm crazy about.... well nothing at the moment, which leads me to another thought all together, because if I felt normal in the head wouldn't I be happy about the things that are good, or fun, or worth looking forward too.... but instead I feel like a gray cloud is going to come and rain on my parade so why by happy about it anyway. And when those around you start to notice that "you don't sound normal" Or "what can I do to make you happy again?" Then you even begin to doubt your own capabilities of pretending that your ok....
Which leads me to my point if I had one at all, and maybe I just needed to vent it all out there:
I'm tired of fighting, with my spouse, with my kids, with myself
I'm tired of feeling like I'm being judged for something that it is so out of my control
I'm tired of things being so hard, and I'm afraid that even when it starts getting easier I won't recognize it because I've been stressed for so long.
I hate that sometimes it just seems easier to be sad, becuase it's just to much work to be happy.
I hate that this world just seems to get uglier and uglier.... things that you never thought would happen, happen in your neck of the woods, and its sad.
Or maybe just maybe I'm the crazy that is defined as Bizarre and Fantastic!