Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I even teared up durning the "Where the Wild Things Are" trailer...

I haven't wanted to write lately because I didn't feel like I've had anything to say. My emotions have been all over the place, and July left me exhausted. I feel sort of void of all emotion. I'm not angry, or sad, or happy... I'm just blah. And blah is certainly not a feeling I've wanted to have. I'm just so tired of trying to make myself be normal again... and I don't want to be upset about anything, I have that nagging feeling I don't have the right to by upset that "what the hells wrong with you, nothings wrong with you stop being such a baby," kind of feeling, but yet I feel crappy anyway. My whole summer just wasted away, and I didn't even really get out and do anything, at all. And I try not to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes I feel over whelmed by the whole entire year we've had. I think I'm still playing catch up for months of not expressing my feelings about how sucky the whole thing was, and now when I should be so over it, it's hitting me. Every time I think about our home, or our old life, I feel mistreated by fate. Like we have started completely over.... and everything we had, we don't have any more... and then on top of it I start feeling guilty for still being upset because there are so many people that have dealt with so much more, so I'm left feeling absolutely nothing. NOTHING!
Then something as stupid as a movie trailer, a song, a commercial sends me for an emotional loopity loop. I don't know whats normal, but I'm ready for some of it.

6 comments:

Mama Echo said...

Love ya!! It probably doesn't help that Wyatt is gone right now... call me...

Pen-nut said...

I don't think there is a normal if that helps at all. Life just goes too dang fast, and is way too crazy most of the time, and of course we are all supposed to hold it all together all of the time - LOL. It sure doesn't happen around here. But this is definatly one of those "Dairy Queen Blizzard" days - I would go with you if we were closer, but I'll be thinking about you anyway. Love ya!!!!

Lean Bean said...

Honey this is just part of life, I feel like this too (sometimes for a year at a time!) Don't worry, you're just as normal as the next person.

Michelle said...

Well, I for one, know EXACTLY how you feel. I try to get through a day without crying, and I keep telling myself that I should feel blessed, but every time I think about our old life, I start to hurt all over again. I try to tell myself, "It's just a house. It's not worth getting so upset," But, it was more than just a house. We loved our life in BT, and I wasn't ready to let it go that way. And I was just thinking the other day how I should feel like this whole trial is over, but I'm still neck deep in it without any hope of deliverance.

Amie said...

Poor thing! I'm sure each and every feeling you have is completely valid and we understand! Just take your time to work through it. We'll be here thru it all and when you're out of it!

leaner said...

Can I say that having also had a pretty craptastic year, I totally know how you feel. I act normal, act happy even, and suppress 95% of all of my feelings. Anger, well, I can't hide that or suppress it at all.

So when I watch a movie that makes me sad or even cry happy tears, I can not stop. Its like opening some flood gates on the ocean. When its finally all closed off again, sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse.

I know that holding all of this stuff in is not good, but its the only coping mechanism I have that works for me at the moment.

DENIAL. Gotta love it.