I miss blogging.  Probably because it gave me a place to vent all of my frustrations.  I still get frustrated, I have by no means gained perfection.  I probably need this now more than I ever did.  It's been a rough couple of years for me.  I have had super lows and highs.  The best of times and the worst of times.  One of the hardest things is feeling like I don't have anyone outside of family to vent to without feeling like I've over stayed my welcome.
I've lived in this town for a few years now, and don't get me wrong I have some good buddies here, people that I enjoy spending time with.  But I haven't really found anyone that seems to care whether I'm around or not.  No one that thinks to invite me along, or acts like they miss me when I'm not around.  I do realize I'm a special case.  The people my age are not raising a small child.  And the people that are raising small children are generally in a different place in thier lives and we don't have much else in common.  It puts me in a strange category of people.  It's ok.  I have lots of things to do with my family, but every once in awhile it would be nice to feel included.  I try to just remember I'm 40 now and that stuff shouldn't matter so much.
Another frustration... I'm 40!!! How did that happen?  Crazy, right?  I don't look a day over 35?
Haha!  But I feel it!  I feel it when I run and my knees hurt.  I feel it when I look in the mirror and see more wrinkles than I did before or more gray hair is sprouting up.  I feel it when I realize I have 2 grown sons.  So sad!
But having a 1 year old makes me feel young, all that 40 stuff melts away.  She is so awesome, and then I feel bad because I wonder what life will be like for her being the only little.  Never having another little to play with.  Never fighting over toys.  Or giggling on Christmas Eve all night waiting for Santa, not being able to sleep.  Will she feel cheated?  She's kind of like an only child with lots of live in babysitters.  How will it be for her?  Should we have one more just so she's not alone?  But then I say,  I'm 40!
So much going on I can't even write about it all on one post... I may start posting again.

They put my Grandma in hospice this week.  It hurts my heart.  Partly because I love my grandma and partly because I'm quite finished loosing people I love.  Within the last 2 years I've lost my Mom, My other Grandma, and one of my Aunts.  I have held up fairly well through all of this.  I miss them all very much.  There isn't a day that I don't miss my Mom.  I think about her all the time.
And now this, waiting for another one of those calls, letting me know another family member has left us.  I'm tired of grieving, I'm tired of saying goodbye.  Loss is hard, and I feel like I've been caught in an avalanche of loss.

2 weeks of Annie

I love this girlie so much!

No Bill from Anesthesiology, or Annie's Birth Story

Thursday morning I headed into town for one of my weekly appointments.  I had been feeling so great that I was pretty sure that this baby was never going to be born.  My appointment went well, she said I'd made little progress and I'd probably be pregnant another week at least.  So my friend and I went to pick up a few things and eat Panda.  I ate Kung poa and joked how it would start labor.   Then we headed home.  Afternoon passed uneventful.  Kenneth came home and decided to go work chains at a jv football game, because I clearly wouldn't go into labor that night.  I felt super tired and headed to bed early.  Around 12:30 I woke up feeling like Kung poa was not the best choice for lunch.  I had felt this way before so not wanting to bother Kenneth I went out to the living room to watch tv until it passed.  After laying on the couch for fifteen minutes I realized the stomach pains I was having we're coming off and on.  I started to time them.  8 minutes apart, pretty consistent.  I timed for the next half hour.  They stayed about 7 minutes apart.  Around 1:30 I decided I would get a shower then wake up Kenneth.  But when I went to walk to the bathroom I felt a gush of water.  I made my way to the bathroom, and turned on the light.  Kenneth immediately woke up and asked what was wrong.  I told him my water had broke.  No shower for me, we headed out of the house.  Of course it was the only day in the last month that the car didn't have enough fuel, so we had to stop and get gas.  I kept timing contractions, they were rapidly getting closer.  5 minutes, 4 minutes, 3 minutes.  As we pulled into Show Low they were 2 minutes apart.  Kenneth dropped me off at the emergency room door and I made my way inside.  They made me fill out a paper and they wheel chaired me into a pre admittance area of labor and delivery.  Normally this is probably a great thing, as many women get sent home for not having active labor.  For me this was 5 minutes of HELL.  They told me to change and pee in a cup.  Contraction contraction contraction!  I stood there breathless, and leaning on Kenneth.  I told him they were to close together and I needed something now.  He went and told the nurse that this was my fifth baby and I knew.  That must have perked their ears up, because they immediately wheeled me to the l and d suite.  Contraction!  I climbed into the bed, and they said they would get me something to help as soon as they could.  They got the moniters hooked up, and I told them that there was no break in between contractions.  The nurse checked me and said "Your complete, you can push if you feel like it". They had called my Dr. , Kenneth asked if they thought he would make it.  The nurse said no.  After three contractions and three big pushes, one curse word, and a lot of sweat, my sweet baby was born.  They laid her on my chest and I knew she was perfect.  All 6.10 pounds of her! The Dr. Arrived just in time to stitch me up.  I told him he missed the exciting stuff.

 It was the craziest quickest thing.  The whole thing gave me such an adrenaline high, I couldn't sleep for hours.  I was amazed that Annie was here, I was empowered that I gave birth unmedicated, I was overjoyed that I was blessed with such an opportunity to have this sweet new life in my arms straight from heaven.  

Here at a year!

It's a strange feeling.  

Last year at this time, I was headed down to Queen Creek.  I was going to spend time with my mom, to hold her hand, to say goodbye.  It was one of the hardest weeks of my life, and yet I wouldn't of been anywhere else.  Nothing was more important than that week spent with her, my dad, and my siblings.  I look back a year later, and I'm so grateful for that time I got to spend with them all.  I still ache from the loss of my mom, I see older ladies with their middle age daughters and feel robbed of at least 20 more years I should of got to spend with her.  I miss going antiquing, or making craftiness, talking on the phone.  I miss her advice, the nonjudgmental way she talked to me, her toughen up attitude.  I miss her unconditional love that she had for even my most difficult children.  It's been a rough year of adjustments and changes without her here.  

Now here in this week, a year later, I sit and wait.  I wait for another life change, but on the complete opposite side of the cycle.  I anticipate the birth of my baby.  I think about the blessing she will be in our lives, the joy just knowing she is coming has brought me.  I think about the time she got to spend with my mom on the other side, and what that must have been like.  This week I wait for new life, a brand new person to share my life with.  All the new memories that we will have.  Someone else to fill my heart. 

Even though I have a hurt in my heart, so close to the anniversary of my mom leaving this earthly home.  I also have a healing, looking forward to welcoming our new little blessing.

37 weeks of pregnant!

I don't care who you are, if your not completely uncomfortable at 37 weeks pregnant there is something wrong with you.  But I'm not going to complain endlessly.  I just realized it's our bodies way of letting us know we don't want to be pregnant anymore.  As nervous as I am about making it to the hospital, going into labor when Kenneth isn't here, pain, everything being okay.... The idea of being pregnant for longer than a couple more weeks overrides all of that.  I'm Ready!!!!

I'm ready to meet my sweet little baby!!!! I'm ready to smell her newborn skin, and to sit and stare at her for hours and hours. I'm so beyond ready!   

Give or Take 6 weeks!

I'm not generally a fan of belly pictures!  But I've been extremely bored lately.  Won't be making them my Facebook profile pictures anytime soon, but it won't be horrible to have a few for babies book.  So here I am at 34 weeks!